I wanna be sedated

Psychiatric nurse practitioner added olanzapine to my medication cocktail last week. I hadn’t been on lithium very long. We were still in the process of titrating that dose up.

However! I continued to have severe insomnia, and she thought an anti-psychotic with a sedative effect would help my bipolar disorder. Because science.

She was so right. For one thing it works. I’ve had two straight days of feeling and acting human. For another, I’ve always wanted to be sedated. Ya’ know?


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Mood rider

From the Jesus and Mary Chain’s new album:

This next song is from their 1985 album, Psychocandy. It’s pretty good at masking the sound of tinnitus. Give it a try at high volume, but just for a short while. You don’t want to end up like me.

I keep damaging my hearing more and more. I only care when I care. In mixed/hypomanic episodes, I’m reckless.

I hope you’re riding the moods patiently today. Patience is what I don’t have. Her ashes are up on a shelf next to the icons. My mother’s name was Patience. She died of a stroke in January.

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Don’t jump! Sure, yeah, OK, I guess.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 2 last year. After psychotherapy and pharmaceutical treatment with lamotrigine were initiated, I was euthymic for a couple of months. That was a bizarre experience, totally outside my prior frame of reference, which had been more or less like this:

Back to life on lamotrigine. Ups and downs are one thing, but days and weeks of placidity are another. Holy cow. Is that what it means to not be a head case all the time?

It didn’t last. I’m now in the midst of a breakthrough episode of suicidal depression, which at times has had me visiting and evaluating suicide spots like the freeway overpass near my office.

Not a very nice thing for a husband and father to be contemplating. However, I’m told that my concern for wife and children is a protective factor.

Ultimately, these thoughts of suicide are more of an aspiration than a plan, because:

  1. I really can’t afford to kill myself, and
  2. I couldn’t live with the guilt from killing myself.

Yeah, that’s as nonsensical as it sounds. It doesn’t have to make sense. My brain, my rules.Whatever it takes to not wreck my wife and children’s lives.

The older I get, the less well I function. Maybe someday we’ll get it under control.  Psychiatric NP has added a prescription for lithium, which is supposed to be effective in suppressing suicidal behavior. This is day 6.

Update  5/3/2017 (day 22):

3. Episodes don’t last forever. Get care and ride them out.

Update  5/5/2017 (day 22):

4. Episodes cycle back. Agitated depression. Considering hospitalization.

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